day146 - celebrated
my local festival premiere was tonight. a friend apologised for not being able to make it. they said, "I hope you feel celebrated" and I lied and said "I do". it's partially true. my partners and my friends showed up to watch me, that was very kind. but I can't help but think of the pained half-smile i got from someone after. acknowledging my existence in the barest form. she's got some problem with me that I don't understand, a new one on top of a long-dried scab I've been trying to heal for maybe three years now. i don't even want to ask, I don't want to know, I don't want to have the confirmation to add another mark to the tally of people I've hurt.
I didn't feel celebrated because I don't feel I deserve it.